How to Have a Great Sexual Relationship

Let’s talk more about intimacy. Specifically, let’s talk about the really FUN side of intimacy: getting physical!

Making love, having sex, doin’ it, f&%$*ng, dancing in the sheets, boinking, or going to the bedroom rodeo. Yeehaw!

Whatever you call it, sexual intimacy is an important part of your relationship. It’s great to get down and dirty, and connecting physically with someone you genuinely trust can be a profound and meaningful experience.

But why does sex so often go wrong, especially in long-term romantic relationships? Sex problems are a very common complaint in my practice:

  • “He never wants to have sex”
  • “Whenever I try to initiate, she makes an excuse”
  • “I don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore”
  • “We never make love anymore”
  • “I don’t really feel connected when we do have sex”
  • “I think she might be having an affair”

When you start feeling distant from your spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend, it is easy for your sexual relationship to take a nose dive. This is because trust deteriorates, and good intimate sex in long-term relationships is built on a foundation of trust.

We all know that the hot passionate love of the first year (can any of you think back on things you did that you would NEVER do now? Public sex anyone???) of our relationships can’t last forever, but does that mean that things have to go stale? Are we doomed to boring sex for the rest of our lives? Or worse yet, never have sex again?

NO! Definitely not!

But how do we best address marital sex problems? Those of you in the most successful long-term relationships share several important qualities when it comes to how you connect physically. Let’s take a closer look:

  1. You respect each other’s bodies, choices, interests, and right to experience pleasure
  2. You recognize that you are not porn actors or movie stars
    1. In other words, you accept that it is unlikely you will experience “perfect sex” (really, what is that anyway??!)
    2. You recognize and embrace the reality of your own bodies and sexuality
  3. You communicate about sex both in and outside the bedroom
    1. You’re willing and open to say what you like/don’t like
  4. You recognize that sexuality is about WAY more than intercourse, or even just what you do in the bedroom
  5. You make time and energy for your sexual connection, recognizing that it is a valuable part of your relationship

On the face of it, this list seems simple. However, in my experience, these tasks are actually not simple at all. Often a large part of our identity is wrapped up in how we express ourselves sexually, and we are all vulnerable to societal pressures to “perform” or “experience pleasure” in particular ways. It is NORMAL to struggle sexually, especially if you are having problems in other areas of your relationship – but you don’t have to continue to struggle, because change is possible! If you think you might have some relationship or sexual issues that need some attention, please contact us or schedule an appointment. We’d love to support you however we can!