How to Manage Loss of Passion in Your Relationship
Do you remember your first kiss?
How about the first time you made love?
What about when you did these things with your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend? Do you remember what it was like when you COULDN’T KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HIM? The excitement of touching her for the first time? Or how about when you WANTED to touch her, but weren’t sure it was time yet? Weren’t sure if she wanted you back?
The excitement, the passion, the feeling of never being able to get enough!
Admit it, that time in your relationship was HOT, and it felt good!!
But what about now? Not so hot? Maybe occasionally hot? A couple times a week hot? Or have things turned downright COLD?? Oh dear!
Maybe you’ve even started to think she’s really not “the one”…… there was SO MUCH PASSION in the beginning. And now this?
This passionate time in a couple’s relationship (it even has a technical scientific name: the limerence period) always comes to a close. After this, couples typically have to work harder to keep their romance and passion alive. For some, this can lead to problems, especially if there is an expectation that this type of passionate connection should be maintained.
I frequently hear complaints from couples like you that they “want things to go back to how they used to be.” I have uttered statements like this to my own wife, so I know where you are coming from. But I also know that realistically NO ONE can go back. During that initial period, something special happens that can’t happen at any other time. In fact, scientists such as anthropologist Helen Fisher have demonstrated that neurologically, chemically, physically, emotionally, and behaviorally, people, especially during this phase of their relationships, are acting similarly to someone addicted to drugs or alcohol. In this case, however, they are addicted to their partner or just to the feeling of being in love.
Expecting that you can maintain a level of mutual passion on the level of being ADDICTED to each other seems both unrealistic and unhealthy in the long run. It is important for establishing a close loving bond, but not useful for living a well-rounded life that includes work, friendships, family, and time devoted to joint and individual activities. Most of us seem to logically know this, but when things start to go wrong in a relationship something happens where we start to compare our current situation with that idyllic one at the beginning – which of course only makes things worse!
So what are couples actually saying when they say they want things to be the way they used to be? I think what you are really wanting is to feel closer and more satisfied in your relationship than you are now. This is, of course, a big and important issue, but one of the first steps to making this happen is to ACCEPT that your relationship isn’t what it used to be and never will be again – it is what it is now. The longer you have been together, the more important it is to accept this. You have to work with what you have right in front of you, not long for what you had many years ago.
The sooner you can accept your partner for who he or she is today, the sooner you can begin to find a NEW form of connection and passion that can actually be even more meaningful than what you had in the past – it’s just different now. If you have any questions about getting started with this process, or just need some extra support, please contact us or schedule an appointment today. We’re here to help!